Hello!
I am a cancer survivor.
I have started this blog to help others who are navigating this same, not same, similar, dissimilar, crazy, unknown, unpredictable path that I have traversed.
I hope it helps.
F*cancer
5 Years Folks…
That’s the ticket, the five year mark.
That’s what all cancer…what do you call us? Survivors? Endurers? Warriors? Journeyers?
No matter the name, five years is the carrot that is hung out in front of us, the beacon we strive to achieve.
A five year survival from our diagnosis. A five year survival from our treatment. It’s what marks a turning point from that original kick in the head call saying “You have cancer.”
It’s around the corner for me right now. Weeks away in fact. It’s terrifying. Thinking that I’m on the verge of that milestone. Hoping always that cancer is in my rear-view mirror.
I am anxiously awaiting my milestone.
Jan 24-ish, 2021
I missed it. I missed taking my annual January 24 picture. No surprise, during these crazy times we are in, all the days sort of run together as one, every morning I have to consciously think about what day of the week it is.
So, it’s a little late, I took this pic on January 28th. Four years and a few days past my last chemo treatment. At my annual check up, my doctor asked me if I knew how big of a deal it was, the fact that I’m coming up on the five-year mark of my diagnosis. I told her that I honestly didn’t know what date was used to mark that all-so significant five-year milestone. She said that some people use the date of their diagnosis, some use the end of treatment. She also said that since for me those dates fell within six months of each other I could use either, or both, why not celebrate twice?
So, yeah, five years is a huge deal. A turning point if you will. I honestly don’t know what next milestone I will set my sights on, but glad to have this one just ahead, in plain view.
F-U 2020
This picture haunts me. It might be my most powerful picture of 2020.
It perfectly shows the time we are in. And it perfectly shows our vulnerability. It is amazing to me how many emotions can be gleaned from a photo whilst the majority of the face is covered.
The sadness in my mom’s eyes because she can’t hug her family.
The distance between us three that reside together (Me, Mike, Nick) and them that reside together (Mom (Memaw), Grandpa Don)
This was our Christmas. Masked. Distant. Brief. Us trying to keep them safe and healthy. Them staying safe. We didn’t eat our Christmas meal together. We didn’t hug each other. We distanced ourselves like the plague victims we could possibly be. Even through the mask, you can see her sadness of spending the holiday this way.
We were all smiling in this picture, can you see that?
Can you see our happiness to be sharing Christmas together?
I insist on selfies so that we can remember and look back on the events, the good times, the love. I force Mike to be the selfie taker, as he has the longest arms, and can best get all of us into the picture.
If I had to pick one picture to sum up 2020, it would be this.
And why?
The sadness in my mom’s eyes because she can’t hug her family.
We love you, Mom, and can’t wait to hug you again!
F-U 2020.
I Have Fought to Live
I have fought to live. I still fight to live. My chances of getting a recurrence of breast cancer are very high. I am doing everything I can to stay germ free.
You people who shun masks and think that this disease is just stupid…FUCK you.
There. I said it. FUCK YOU!
I’ve had my immune system compromised. I’ve had to take shots to boost my white blood cells to give my body the hope of fighting off infection.
Do you know what it’s like? All of you, never touched with disease. Do you? Let me tell you what it’s like.
You pull that needle out of the box. You take an alcohol swab to sterilize the injection site. You push the plunger just a wee bit like you’ve seen on every doctor show you’ve ever watched. The needle is supposed to go in exactly perpendicular to your skin.
The sharp needle pierces your skin. You push the plunger down…slowly…
It burns. It is cold. It is supposed to help. You affix a band-aid over the site, to keep the bleeding from staining your clothes.
This is why it PISSES me off SO much when I see you people pissing your health away. Why is it so hard to wear a mask?
I wear a mask to keep my family safe, my son, my husband, I want to keep my mom safe…I don’t want to kill you.
I want to hang out with my family again. I want life to go back to normal.
It pisses me off those that don’t care about killing me.
Pandemic Hair!
I guess I can say that I’m thankful my hair had a chance to grow long enough before this pandemic to allow me to have proper pandemic hair.
I’ve also discovered that since going out requires a mask, I don’t even think about my hair when we go out. It is normally some version of this, as my identity is completely hidden by my mask. I mean, it is right? We are now all just anonymous shoppers when we go out to the store, aren’t we? For some reason masks make you avoid eye contact with people. Except maybe to give the stink-eye to that person half-masking. You know what I’m talking about.
Every once in a while I may get super fancy, and do a proper pony-tail, but not often. Mike says my pandemic style is his least favorite of my hairstyles, but this is staying until the world goes back to normal. This is 2020.
Not a Political post
In 2016, my son and his friends were enthralled with the upcoming election, and the discussions surrounding it. I remember being surprised by his attentiveness to what was going on. I specifically remember asking him, “What do you know about the election?”
“Trump is going to build a wall, and start World War Three,” he replied.
Wait, what? “World War Three? Where did you hear that?”
“The news.”
Now, my child was not a news watcher by any means, but that was pre-pandemic days, when we would all wake up in the morning, and ‘get ready’ to go somewhere. Mike and I would get ready for work. Nick would get ready for school. During this ‘get ready’ time, we often had the news on in the background. Mostly to get the weather and traffic forecast, but as news does, there would be other topics covered. Little did we know that those topics made such an impression on our child.
He would ask me often, “Who are you going to vote for?” At the time, there wasn’t as much unrest as there is now. My answer was simple. “I’m going to vote for whoever is going to protect the ‘pre-existing condition’ clause for heath insurance.
Being very newly diagnosed with breast cancer, this was really the only topic I had a vested interest in. I didn’t, and still don’t bother with the two top issues that most people seem to be hard over on. Pro-life/Pro-choice. Gun control. I feel these two specific issues are what trend most people toward one side or the other. Seriously folks? I refuse to hang my hat on either of these issues. 1 – The other side will not be able to change either. You should know this. And 2 – there are SO many other issues to consider. Only supporting one party because of one of these issues takes away your ability to focus on so many other things. Don’t get me wrong. I totally understand both sides on both issues, but that is not what I’m trying to debate here. For me, I had to put those MAJOR issues aside for what was, and is, important for ME.
So here is where I stood then. On September 1, 2016, I had gotten the call from my doctor that my test results came back positive that I had breast cancer. I was at work. I was in a meeting when my cell phone buzzed with a call from my doctor’s office. I exited the room, and took the call in private. My head whirled. My heart thumped. There were so many thoughts spinning in my mind, so very many things to consider.
So, when my amazing son asked me who I was going to vote for, the answer was easy for me.
So much as the Affordable Care Act, aka Obamacare, may have had issues in its roll-out, implementation, as well as the controversy surrounding it, there were so many things that the act put into place. Protection for pre-existing conditions was one of them.
The protection that you cannot be denied medical insurance coverage due to a previous illness. Such as cancer.
Please read that last sentence one more time. Then, after you’ve done that, let me put something into perspective for you. Listen up.
At one of my treatments, my infusion nurse (for anyone not in the cancer/chemo world, an infusion nurse is the one who administers your chemo medications, and checks on you constantly during the hours that it takes for these poisons to be administered into your body) mentioned something about a specific chemo medication that she had recently administered to a patient. (for the record, no breach of patient confidentiality ever happened.)
Another point for those not familiar. My chemo was administered via IV bags. Exactly what you would see for saline IV drips, if you’ve ever had one, or watched a medical TV show.
She mentioned that there was one specific chemo, that the one IV bag cost $50,000 per bag. (This would be your standard, IV bag drip thing I just mentioned.)
$50,000. Written out that is Fifty Thousand Dollars.
She mentioned, that when she was infusing her patient, she thought to herself, “I’ve just infused this person a Mercedes.”
Now, I don’t know how many Mercedes infusions a person may require. That was not my treatment. But to compare, I received 20 weeks of chemo infusions. Obviously, I was not infused with the Mercedes, but..what if I needed to be? What would happen to me, if years down the road, I unfortunately had a recurrence of cancer and THEN would need the Mercedes treatment? What would happen, if I was denied health insurance coverage because I had previously had cancer? What if I couldn’t afford treatments…what then? What about my family? What about my son? What? What then? Will any of you reading this set up a Gofundme to buy my Mercedes’? Will you? Will you let me die if I can’t afford it?
So. Trump’s first term in office, he tried to eradicate the Affordable Care Act. Shoot, he tried to eradicate anything that Obama put into place. He was mostly unsuccessful with the Affordable Care Act, but he did manage to make some changes to it.
Fast forward four years. I was finally cleaning out some of Nick’s old school notebooks and papers the other day, to get ready for the upcoming school year, and I stumbled across one particular assignment, that, when I read it, bought tears to my eyes. It was in his Civics folder, it was an assignment about the State of the Union Address from January of 2020.
So, there you have it. Let’s all refrain from comments about how the child did not answer the question. Instead, maybe consider how he DID answer the question.
Please know, elections are not about Democrats and Republicans, they are not about guns or abortions. Please don’t hang your hats on those items. Yes, important items. But please know, there are SO many more issues at stake. And maybe, if you can look past the ‘hot ticket’ items that the parties like to throw around, you can see there are so many more…minor issues…that are important too.
Who will I vote for? I will not be swayed by the single TOP item that the two dominate parties talk about. I will vote for me. I will vote for my family. I will vote for my life.
My dad died of cancer. My mother-in-law died of cancer. My mother is in remission from cancer. I have two aunts that had cancer. My step-mom has had cancer. Cancer has been in my house too many times.
I cannot afford that Mercedes.
OK. Maybe this was a political post.
The Celebrations Never Fade
Three years plus one day ago I was celebrating a fantastic milestone in my life. Beating cancer. Being declared not cancer free, but “no evidence of disease” and “complete cell death.” The terms they like to use regarding cancer.
I never knew previously that the term ‘complete cell death’ would be such a joyous term.
I was thrilled today when my social media memories filled up with pictures from that celebration night. I remember it with great fondness, being out celebrating life with my family and friends. Specifically MY life. Also their lives too. They may not have known it, but life celebrations include all.
My heart is filled with love when I think of each and every one of them who was able to come celebrate with me that night.
I can no longer comprehend the time that makes up three years. It’s a lifetime ago, but also just yesterday. So much as I want to make every day count, sometimes, I just want to enjoy the days.
As I contemplate where I am today, I am happy that I can appreciate every day that I have, and love the people in my life.
I am most thrilled by this picture, to be alive and standing next to this amazing human. To have been granted the privilege to watch him grow. I look forward not to the next three years, but to ALL of the next years.
f*cancer
National cancer Survivor’s Day 2020
So, who knew today was the day? Lots of you did. I didn’t. WTF? I feel like I should have gotten some sort of notice.
Like..TOMORROW IS YOUR DAY..
I don’t know, something.
I wondered. Is it June 7th? Is it like, the first Sunday in June? Am I a sucky cancer survivor to not know? I know I was aware, certainly, that first year I survived. But, then it got fuzzy.
No matter, it’s TODAY!!!
I would like to raise a glass to toast to all of you survivors. You did it. YOU. Did it. You rock.
I honor you today. You are amazing.
F*cancer
Books – Great reads
I don’t know, where are we? A billion days into quarantine. The world is starting to open up again, but forever more we will be distancing ourselves from our friends and loved ones. What better time than now to crack open a great book, right? I’d like to share some reads that I can absolutely recommend.
First are books my friends wrote. But guess what? They are all…AWESOME!! I have very talented friends. I need to step up my game. Then some others, that I just have really enjoyed.
We’re all on quarantine, right? Everyone has time to read. You should absolutely check out all of these!
Locksmith at the End of the World
Part two, coming soon. 🙂
I can’t say more about this book, than I just love it. LOVE. Do you like (or did you like before it went all weird) The Walking Dead? Or do you just like awesome dogs? This is your book. And Chester. This is the dog I want in my life!
I love this book. I love the connections with the animal spirit. I love the writing. And the Janis Joplin connection.
Story after great story of living with dogs, labs to be exact. The alternate title to this could be Chicken Soup for the Old Dog Lovers. There is not a person whom I’d love more to listen to stories from than Barbara!
Hangfire: An Eddie Holland Novel
I still need to read the rest of the books in this series too. Thoroughly enjoyed this book!
Great book, I really like the characters in this story.
On to others I don’t know…
This one, I just really, really liked. It was a bookclub reading and I loved it! I loved the main character, thought I had the book figured out, thought I DIDn’t have it figured out, was surprised at the end.
I love strong women! This book wasn’t what I expected, but I enjoyed. It was a free Prime read, trying to decide if I want to buy the next in the series…
I liked this book, but when looking at other books by the same author, it seemed like it could be the same story line. Liked this one though.
Might not be a great book to read in a pandemic..or at night when you are trying to fall asleep! Any other time though…
Sci-Fi ish. I enjoyed it.
Don’t just sanitize, remember to moisturize!
Seriously, folks. Sanitization and hand washing are the #1 most important things you can be doing right now. Wash off those dreaded germs. But don’t forget, that dry, chapped hands produce cracks that allow germs into your body.
Yes, be sure to wash with warm (not HOT) water using soap to kill germs. That is the most important thing you can do during this pandemic.
But remember, constant hand washing will dry out your skin. A wee bit of lotion helps to control that dry skin. Here are my current favorites.
I LOVE these lotions, and they smell great too.
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